Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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