I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
