basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
two words...techno handjob
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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