Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
