just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
