I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
