Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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