I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
