I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
