I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
