Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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