there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
