He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm bleeding and have questions
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
