I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
