Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
