I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
