I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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