when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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