bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You smell like a Billy Joel song
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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