Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
