I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
