I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
