That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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