I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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