im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
