not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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