Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
