this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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