So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
