Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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