oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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