so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
