I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
