I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
