Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
