and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize