apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
