hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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