And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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