did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
