haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
