this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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