So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
