Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
