Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
