I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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