wanna go halves on a baby?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
