Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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