I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
We smell like vodka and hangover
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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