Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
