I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
