mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
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