Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
